Four years ago I seemed to have it all. A wonderful job, three great kids, a lovely husband, a great life. I was on top of my game professionally, personally....but ticking away underneath were things I hadn't dealt with. A combination of things - overwork, stress in my marriage, my mother having a terminal illness - blew my mind apart. In old fashioned terms I had a nervous breakdown - in modern parlance an acute episode of serioys depression and anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (related to past abuse). I was off work for six months, unable to move much beyond the couch without experiencing terrifying hallucinations and panic attacks. I made it back to work, but had a relapse a year later and ended up an inpatient on the psych ward when I tried to change medication. I wanted to die.
As I slowly recovered, with the help of therapists and drugs, I realised I needed to add some more tools into my toolbox to get, and keep myself well. My therapist suggested mindfulness, but I tried 4 times to learn it and failed each time. The 5th time was with a wonderful teacher in a group, focussing on how to incorporate it into daily life rather than as a therapeutic treatment. I still think this is the best way to learn it. I practised it for about 18 months before it started being a useful part of what I do to keep myself well (I also have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid and osteoarthritis, so I live with persistant pain as well as madness). I trained to teach it because I wanted to give something back to my 'tribe' - fellow madsters and chronic pain survivors who need something in their lives to help them cope but maybe, like me, weren't naturally calm, mindful people who could learn it easily. I still have mad, bad, sad times, and I still have days when I am in excruciating pain. But mindfulness has taught me how to forgive myself for those days, and how to fend off bad PTSD episodes when I am triggered, and how to accept living with pain. And if I can do it, anyone can......
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AuthorI came to mindfulness through trying to find a way to be sane and compassionate in an insane and harsh world. Archives
October 2017
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