Like many people - particularly women - I am not very good at publicising or being proud of my own achievements. I think I learned this early on, when as a child every achievement was brushed off and boastfulness was considered 'getting above yourself' - the ultimate sin. I don't recall my parents ever once congratulating me on anything.
So when it is pointed out that I have accomplished something and I am complimented on it, I have a tendency to blush and change the subject. Many women in my profession do - we are notoriously bad at publicising and celebrating our achievements, which is often why they are overlooked or ignored. But this week I found out I have been appointed a Fellow of the Academy of Social Sciences. This is a big honour in my profession - you have to be nominated by a Fellow or by a Learned Society, and it is considered quite an achievement. On the one hand, as a lefty egalitarian I am suspicious of elites. On the other hand, as an academic I believe in recognising merit and impact. So whilst it was squirmy it also made me feel tremendously honoured that my discipline thought my work was worth highlighting. And, after all, why shouldn't I be proud? If you google me with my professional hat on it's easy to see I have done some interesting work, and made a difference to policy and practice, particularly in the field of community care. My research has been used to improve services and support for disabled people and carers and I *am* justifiably proud of that. At the same time it feels odd - like I have been asked to join the adults at the top table when I really don't have a clue how to hold a knife and fork properly. 'Imposter syndrome' is a well known psychological issue amongst academics, particularly women academics. As we work in a highly competitive intellectual environment, we constantly feel like we don't belong there and are going to get found out. I went to my first international social policy conference as a young, idealistic postgraduate who was completely gobsmacked by the fact that people whose work I had read, admired and cited were actually standing in front of me on the stage - and worse, in the lunch queue! But nothing quite prepared me for a fire alarm at 4am in the residence and seeing one of my heroes in his pyjamas and bare feet, hair on end, swearing bad temperdly at being woken up and having to evacuate the building. My heroes were HUMAN! They ate, and breathed and slept and got bad tempered!! I am part of a mentoring scheme for early career women, and the most important thing I do there is not talk to them about publishing, or research, or teaching, or how to get ahead, or how to have the perfect CV. The most important thing I do to inspire younger women is simply be my flawed self - to admit I find juggling an academic career and a young family a challenge, to admit I overworked and had a nervous breakdown and I still struggle, to not hide the fact that I limp and drop my books and sometimes completely forget what it was I was going to say in a lecture in front of 2,000 people. Because we are all human and frail and showing others that you can be human and frail and nevertheless succeed is very important. I would go further and say I succeed BECAUSE I am human and frail: because, as a social scientists, I understand and empathise with what goes wrong in people's lives because of social, political and economic forces beyond their control. So, yes, I deserve the accolades and the honour: not because I am special or particularly wonderful, but because I am NOT special or wonderful. Just clever, hardworking, and good at my job. I still struggle to be mindful about my success: to view it as it is, as a feature of my life, not something I need to get caught up in being proud or ashamed of. I particularly struggle with congratulating myself. So, thank you to the Social Policy Society for nominating me and thank you to the Academy of Social Sciences for accepting me into your elite ranks. I worked bloody hard and I do deserve it. <blushes> Take a moment to think about something you have done well. Have you been a kind, good friend to someone, have you achieved something difficult, have you done well at work, have you made your family feel loved? Then take a moment to say: well done you. You deserve praise. And you don't need to be ashamed of boasting: we should all boast a little sometimes and remind ourselves that we are fabulous and deserve to have that recognised. So well done me :)
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AuthorI came to mindfulness through trying to find a way to be sane and compassionate in an insane and harsh world. Archives
October 2017
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