Yesterday was Mother's Day in the UK and it is a day that induces mixed feelings in me. As a mum I love the handwritten cards and poems, the haphazard and frankly sometimes dangerous breakfasts in bed, and the mild panic on the face of the teenager who's forgotten.
But I appreciate that it is a tough day for those who weren't lovingly mothered, or who have lost their mothers, or who wanted to, and cannot, be mothers, or have lost their children. Surrounded by hyped up joy and adverts it must be like Christmas for depressed turkeys at times. When I was a young, fit, sane mother, juggling babies and a career and a marriage and friends and feeling on top of the world, I seemed to thrive on very little sleep. I had the blessing of my first child being on the autistic spectrum, which meant he was unusually placid and peaceful and self-contained, which meant I was able to learn how to be a placid, peaceful, self-contained mother. When I had my 'neurotypical' second boy, who started trying to climb things and fall off things as soon as he could move, although it was a surprise, I had learned the all important lesson of how to trust my instincts that does not come easily with your first child. And when my gorgeous girl arrived, I was happy to leave her on the car roof by accident as I attempted to strap a hyperactive toddler, a sensory issued Aspie and my own crutches into the car....(oops!) Although I spent a lot of time with my children (in between a full time job) I became adept at mult-tasking and not really listening to them. To a certain extent when you have three children this is a necessary life skill for survival - you cannot really engage in all the potential squabbles whilst driving and stay alive for very long. But it was only when I started to practice mindfulness whilst at the same time trying to keep my multi-tasking and distraction manageable (my coping mechanisms had become my demons) that I learned to really slow down and listen and engage with my children. I can now tell you all you (n)ever needed to know about who is 'in' and who is 'out' amongst primary 7 schoolgirls, how to build a successful team in Fifa, and why poor old Pluto got downgraded from a planet. And it is lovely, albeit disconcerting at times, to be able to connect and listen and learn from my children. Mindfulness is also a very useful skill - and I am thinking of the 3 minute breathing exercise in particular - when you are moments from having the biggest tantrum in your life because if you get ONE MORE SASSY COMEBACK AFTER YOU HAVE ASKED THEM THREE TIMES POLITELY TO DO THEIR CHORES you will explode and put the whole bloody lot of them on the naughty step regardless of the fact that they are taller than you. But mindfulness is not just about being a connected and compassionate parent. It is also about learning to accept and live with your mistakes and foibles, being compassionate to yourself, and accepting your own mother as the flawed person she is. Being able to recognise grief and anger and tension and frustration and resentment - all of which are part of a relationship between a mother and her children - and welcome them in as part of the glorious frailty and wonderfulness of the human condition is something that is hard to learn but mindfulness can help us get there.. My own mother was the victim of domestic abuse, and her abuser abused me. I grew up with a dysfunctional childhood that left me with scars that I am still recovering from and may never be fully free of. My mother did not protect me particularly well, nor did she make me feel loved or safe. As an adult I can understand and forgive her for that, but as someone who still struggles with the fallout of not being loved and protected as I grew up, I still wonder why I didn't deserve that. We all need to feel loved and protected, and we all need to *love* and protect others. Mothering comes in many forms and it isn't always from your mother. All over the world are millions of parents, step-parents, kin, foster parents and others who nurture, love and protect youngsters in the way a mother should. And even if you weren't lovingly mothered, you can still lovingly mother. So happy mindful mother's day to all the 'mothers' out there, may you find peace and strength and joy in your role, and know for sure that the world would be awful without you.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorI came to mindfulness through trying to find a way to be sane and compassionate in an insane and harsh world. Archives
October 2017
Categories |